So, I had a very restless and mostly sleepless night. I could blame it on the medications I've been taking for this very awful cold/bronchitis/sinus infection I've had for three weeks now, but I know better.
I'm filled with the usual excitment, anticipation, and confusion that comes along when there's someone in your life you like and the possibilities are unknown. For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to refer to this budding relationship as a "relationship" even though words of committment and exclusivity have not been uttered.
New relationships are exciting. You're learning new things about someone who may or may not be right for you, but you're learning. You're learning what they think, what they feel strongly about, who they are, and if you mesh. You learn a lot about yourself too...do you want this, are you ready, have you dealt with your past baggage, are there dealbreakers, can you not get obsessed and become a spaz and drive your friends NUTS, etc. And, you learn that you will have one or two or more sleepless/restless nights as you mull over all the exciting things you think/hope may come but aren't really sure they will.
Along with exciting is the anticipation of the next message, phone call, and time spent together. Especially the time and the sex. Yes, I said it. The sex. For once I would like to be involved with someone where there's a lot of time spent together with regular sex and intimacy, though I've already covered that I don't think those two things are the same (related yes, because sex helps you get closer to someone which encourages better intimacy, but not the same). I have been unlucky in the relationship department for the greater part of my life and would just like to get some on a regular basis with someone I actually care about. Call me shallow. I don't know, I have needs just like most women and men. I just want to feel part of something again instead of disjointed. Anticipation is closely related to hope, I guess. I'm hopeful and so I ponder that for hours when I should be sleeping. HOURS. Ugh.
And finally (well, finally for this post because I have to get ready for work), the confusion...a stones throw from slight obsession and overanalysis if you're me but whatever. Do I really want this? Is he really right for me? What would my father think? What would my friends think? Do I have time for this potential complication? Will I fall in love and get hurt if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I fall in love with his son (three years old and adorable) and not him? Is he for real or is he a man with just as many issues as me? Um yeah, there's that. Divorced twice, small child with split custody (for now but that can't last...how will he handle it?).............ACK! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
No wonder I had trouble sleeping. And now, I must ply myself with tons of caffeine to endure the day ahead. It's okay, though. I'll live. I can sleep when I'm dead.
"I want to live where soul meets body and let the sun wrap its arms around me..."
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Try feeling that way about more than one guy at a time. LOL Seriously, it is fun, I enjoy that feeling. But one can get so lost in those feelings. And that's scary. And the uncertainty of it all is scary. Don't want to contribute to your obsession. :) But taking it hour by hour (vs. one day at a time) is probably the best remedy. That and ignoring those fantastical thoughts...indeed a little callousness has been helping me, telling myself I don't really care. Damn, I'm a piece of work. Ha ha!
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