Expectations and the Prince Myth

The Prince Myth
Let's start with the Prince Myth because I think that will be fun to explore. By the prince myth, I mean the fairy tale lie all (well, American for starters) little boys and girls are fed from an early age that incorporates some damsel in distress and then some prince guy who rides in and saves the damsel and the day. There's love, birds chirping, and all is right with the world.

I say enough! Enough with the tall tales that will mess up your little girls (and boys) for life, particularly if they are unlucky in the love department. Let me break it down to you as far as my experience goes. First, I was promised a life of magic and happiness when I fall in love with my prince. Yes, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Pretty Woman (well, ok, I was older). Then, they pushed the feminist, independent, "you can do whatever you want and be whatever you want" rhetoric down my throat and at the same time told me I had to serve my man, obey my husband, and have babies/raise a family. Want to be a doctor, be a doctor? Want to be a teacher, be a teacher. But go to school you must because you have to be something otherwise your life will be harder than it needs to be. (Who says?) So you must be independent, self-sufficient, and make something else of yourself in addition to finding and marrying your prince so you can live happily ever after and have a ton of babies. I don't think you told me what to do after that if that plan didn't work out. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Way to give mixed messages. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. Clearly I'm meant to do things differently....what the hell are they? At what point am I privvy to those plans? And what if the plan worked out? Do you try and do it all and possibly alienate your children by not being around, do you give up the career to be a stay at home mom and possibly give up/postpone your dream, or do you choose a career over family life? I guess the answer is yes, but I didn't plan to be a data analyst. I didn't choose a career I was passionate about, I just chose a career because I was supposed to. Have to make a living because clearly Prince Whateverthehell has not arrived yet on his steed. Where is he? (And I still believe it!!!!!!! ACK! Damn, I am bitter.)

Expectations
Met a guy, not for me, I know he's not for me (I just KNOW plus if anyone is resuing anyone, it would be me to him...he's bad on paper), I go farther than I should because I crave intimacy--sex does not equal intimacy--and this guy just wants to be friends. Well, he did want to have sex with me and was pretty verbal/teasing/slightly pushy about it. I figured I had nothing else going on so I'd see what happened. But as usual, they go to the dark side right away. This one says he's not ready for a relationship and we all know what that means. So what changed after we got naked? And for the record, we had "almost sex." Almost but not quite as we didn't have condoms. He did reach climax (sounds so clinical) and it was fine. Or so I thought. Apparently it's something he feels guilty about, as if he was just using me for sex which is not what he's really about and he doesn't want to hurt me or disappoint me with any expectations I might have. WHICH IS FUNNY if you think about it since apparently he was. Well, he says he wasn't, that he really thinks I'm wonderful, and wants to be friends. Ok, want to be friends? Prove it. You might ask me why I care, but really it's because I can't handle being around another liar and it would be nice to have him actually be a friend if he can. In some ways I think I want to be friends so I can hang out with his cute little boy and I refuse to feel badly about it. Plus, he's handy and could probably help paint the house (or maybe I can pay him to, with a discount of course). But if he thinks I'm going to have sex with him and be lovey dovey when the relationship is not going anywhere he has another thing coming. I am not doing it again. I refuse to be with someone who isn't right for me in the hopes that they'll change their mind one day when they're ready. No way.

I think he really is messed up though so good for him on showing this side early before I might have been duped into thinking there was a future. I guess marrying someone (2nd marriage) after 2 months of knowing each other and her leaving you just two and a half years plus a small child into it, well yeah, that could mess someone up. Still not my problem.

A ponder for later...why do people put up personal ads saying one thing when they mean another? I'm tired of being the sucker fish that catches those hooks. Back to avoiding online dating and trying to meet people in the real world. It's for the best.

On a school night, no less

I may be 40 years old, but I sometimes remember how to party like a
rock star. Well, okay, maybe not a real rock star because they'd
probably do coke, get super drunk and punch paparazzi, and destroy
shit. No, I mean staying up late, drinking a little too much, eating
"bad" foods, dancing a ton--really just throwing caution to the wind
when I know it's a school night and I have work in the morning. I
think sometimes you just have to do that but man, that waking up in
the morning only five hours after you went to sleep is brutal. I
wasn't having it today, either. There was a time when I could do that
and not suffer too much the next day, but it was a while ago. A long
while ago. One of the downsides of being "middle aged," I guess.

I met up with friends -- two dear, one not so dear but fun, and two
new ones -- to see Franz Ferdinand at the Ogden last night. Before the
show we met up at the Cheeky Monk, a belgian bar/restaurant a few
blocks from the Ogden, and overindulged on fried pickles, moules and
frites, all kinds of beer, plus the piece d'resistance: belgian waffle
with nutella and bananas. Heavenly.

What a fantastic time and show! I love that venue because it's small,
intimate, and just so energetic. I wish I could have seen a little
better, but being on the floor in a crowd and only being 5 feet tall
usually means I don't see much. It was so hot down there too that I
did something I rarely do...I took off my cardigan and let my tank top
show...bra straps and all. It was heavenly to feel the air on my skin
and I didn't care one bit that my bra straps were showing or that I
was perspiring. I'm sure Stacy and Clinton would disapprove but well,
I don't need to be concerned with fashion while I'm in the middle of a
jam-packed room.

I somehow got conned into driving the guys home but it wasn't all bad
because I got to hang out some more after. I wasn't ready to end the
party though if I had been smart, I might have skipped that last beer
and shot of SoCo at the club (that must have been around 9:15pm). Oh
well.

I will say this. B's friends were interesting. I know he only knew M
briefly but those two guys were a trip. I get around guys like that
and I swear I become one of the guys, especially when you're with
three men who are all either married or in a committed relationship.
At that point, I might as well say what's on my mind because it's not
like I'm dating any of them. I'm sure they think I'm a bit strange but
well, I'm okay with that. It's true after all and I wouldn't have it
any other way. I probably revealed too much about myself but whatever.
That's my word for the day: Whatever.

The guy M with the new kid and baby was kind of an odd duck but I
liked him. He covered his ears with his hands at the loud bits during
the concert. He kept saying things like "yep, yep, great song, great
performance, reminiscent of the so and so band at this venue blah
blah." He kissed me on the cheek when he left which I found endearing
for some reason. Maybe it was because I told him that I was super
happy for him, his wife, and his new baby and to just make sure the
little one grows up knowing that she's loved (and to never have huge
arguements in front of her; if anything, show her a really good
relationship can exist). I can be sappy and overindulgent at times
(duh), particularly when I'm high...on life.

The other guy was interesting, kinda fake but maybe that's because
he's insecure...or overly secure, not sure. Maybe it's the nature of
sales guys to be that way, sort of slick and up on all the hip
music/info. You know, I just realized what it is. The other guy had a
bit of it, too. It's Los Angeles, baby. Plastic strip mall famous
people excess overly expensive trendy hip full of smog metropolis.
(How do you like that run on?) I can't stand LA.

Oh...

It's not always about me. Imagine that?

It's official...I'm crazed

I have a problem. Well, I have several problems or issues, but the one that is seriously evident to me and that I'm going to ponder for a minute is that I have no faith in myself or my judgment when it comes to understanding the men I'm interested in romantically. That, and I'm crazy. Not "need to be locked up because I think I'm from another planet" crazy, it's more like Attencion Deficit Disorder crazy. I get fixated on a thought or feeling and the next thing you know, I've escalated an event much more than necessary. Essentially, I blow things way out of proportion because for some reason I can't relax and just wait and see what happens. I have to push people and situations because on some level I think I'm trying to control things. Control has (is) always been an issue with me, probably due to having a messy upbringing with alcoholic, out of control parents. For as long as I can remember, I'm always trying to fix things and I tend to jump to thinking I've done something wrong when things change in a relationship, like a guy not calling after we're intimate in what I think is a timely fashion. I guess I realize--and this is not some new epiphany here-- that I'm always on some level trying to control the things I can't and when I don't have all the information, or I'm dealing with occasional bouts of low self esteem, I just can take things way over the top in trying to change the outcome instead of just chilling and seeing what happens. I just need to work on it. I just need to keep working on it like I have been for my entire life. I hope it gets easier because I don't think I can live in my head that much without really going crazy.

Mid-day reflections

I've had a lot of time to reflect on my feelings of late since I'm not
busy at work. We're doing a system upgrade and so the data I use for
my reporting is unavailable. During this down time, I'm doing
self-paced training to learn how to use Crystal Reports so that I can
start programming my own reports when the data warehouse is back up.
Here are my random mid-day reflections in no particular order:

I'm grateful for friends who can bear to put up with my over the top
moodiness and who are ok with listening to me mull over circumstances
and situations that I seem to run into on a regular basis. A special
feeling to B at work who sat with me in the nice warm sun while I
enjoyed veggies and rice and bitched about my situation.

"Take a chance on love..." That's what Lenny Kravitz just sang. Music
is important to me. How do people not have an interest in it? To me,
it's part of the human experience to enjoy music, all kinds of music.

"I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake, the hand
behind this pen relives a failure everyday." That was Fall Out Boy.
How would I get by without these tasty tidbits?

I'm so happy I was able to run yesterday and that I feel so much
better. Antibiotics are the best, except I could do without the
stomach upset side effects.

I'm doing better than I was last night. I pray I can sleep tonight.

"To the east to the west, to the north and south, one love people
never gonna stop." Michael Franti and Spearhead.

Self-paced training is boring as all get out. BORING.

I'm going to take a chance on the guy who I'm not all that attracted
to in the hopes that if anything, we can be good friends. Who knows? I
just think it's cool that he likes music, especially garage rock which
I love, that he's into art and travel, and really seems available.
We'll see how long it takes him to get to the sex talk. He says he's
shy, so we'll see about that.

Writing is self-indulgent and therapeutic. Poor M. You don't have to
read my blog if you don't want. I really just am trying to write out
my feelings each day. i suppose I could make this blog private, but I
figure if someone stumbles upon it and something I have written makes
them laugh or resonates with them, then maybe it's worth it. Besides,
they say if you put your thoughts to the universe, you are more likely
to get what you ask for. For the record, Universe, please send me a
decent relationship soon so I can restore my faith in men and mankind
in general. Thank you.

My first post to the blog via email. Will it work?

Did I mention insecurity?

I heard a Radiohead song today called House of Cards. I want to share lyrics that resonated with me before I wax poetic about the injustices in my life. Well, today is an "injustice, I feel sorry for myself" kind of day. It just is.

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine


So, I don't know why I do this to myself but I muse...ok obsess...about things going on in my life that I don't understand and have little control over, such as work situations, conflicts with friends, and other issues in my personal life, like men. I don't know that I'm terribly different from most people, though I can take it way over the top. I wonder if that has to do with the fact that I've been going to some form of talk therapy for about 20 years and I've gotten good at analysis. Wow, has it been that long? Damn, I'm getting old.

Anyway...

I'm used to thinking and analyzing about things because I've been doing it for so long. Sometimes I can take it to the unhealthy point where I can't sleep, I can't eat (never thought I'd get there), I can't even think clearly. I hate not knowing what something means, why people are so complicated, why I'm so complicated. I think on some level I push some of the people I care for away because this sometimes comes across as neediness and insecurity. I guess it's because I can be needy. I can be insecure. Not all the time, but some of the time especially after being vulnerable with someone.

I had another restless night where sleep just didn't want to come. I wanted it to come...I wanted to escape into my dreams or better yet, a sea of nothingness and emptiness and then just wake up to endure the next day. Instead, I tossed and turned and ended up writing a letter I'll never send where I pretty much just laid it on the line. The gist...I need to be choosier when it comes to the people I am vulnerable with (again, always the same lesson...why can't I learn?). And no matter how much I want to, I will not make contact today. If you tell someone that in your experience having sex with someone too soon ruins the relationship, and that you just want more than that, and they push you to talk about it as if they're really interested, and they talk a good game as if they really care...and then you make the mistake of actually going there because well, you're human and you just want to be touched and experience pleasure...and then they stop communicating like before, are somewhat indifferent to texts (lame, one line responses) or don't even respond to emails when we had days and days and days of endless chatter? Well, it makes me think that maybe they just wanted to get me naked and hadn't really thought it through after that. "Mission accomplished! Maybe she's not for me. I need to think. I think I'll avoid her. Yeah, that'll work. She'll be fine."

Yes, I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I just die a little each time.

Excitement, Anticipation, and Confusion

So, I had a very restless and mostly sleepless night. I could blame it on the medications I've been taking for this very awful cold/bronchitis/sinus infection I've had for three weeks now, but I know better.

I'm filled with the usual excitment, anticipation, and confusion that comes along when there's someone in your life you like and the possibilities are unknown. For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to refer to this budding relationship as a "relationship" even though words of committment and exclusivity have not been uttered.

New relationships are exciting. You're learning new things about someone who may or may not be right for you, but you're learning. You're learning what they think, what they feel strongly about, who they are, and if you mesh. You learn a lot about yourself too...do you want this, are you ready, have you dealt with your past baggage, are there dealbreakers, can you not get obsessed and become a spaz and drive your friends NUTS, etc. And, you learn that you will have one or two or more sleepless/restless nights as you mull over all the exciting things you think/hope may come but aren't really sure they will.

Along with exciting is the anticipation of the next message, phone call, and time spent together. Especially the time and the sex. Yes, I said it. The sex. For once I would like to be involved with someone where there's a lot of time spent together with regular sex and intimacy, though I've already covered that I don't think those two things are the same (related yes, because sex helps you get closer to someone which encourages better intimacy, but not the same). I have been unlucky in the relationship department for the greater part of my life and would just like to get some on a regular basis with someone I actually care about. Call me shallow. I don't know, I have needs just like most women and men. I just want to feel part of something again instead of disjointed. Anticipation is closely related to hope, I guess. I'm hopeful and so I ponder that for hours when I should be sleeping. HOURS. Ugh.

And finally (well, finally for this post because I have to get ready for work), the confusion...a stones throw from slight obsession and overanalysis if you're me but whatever. Do I really want this? Is he really right for me? What would my father think? What would my friends think? Do I have time for this potential complication? Will I fall in love and get hurt if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I fall in love with his son (three years old and adorable) and not him? Is he for real or is he a man with just as many issues as me? Um yeah, there's that. Divorced twice, small child with split custody (for now but that can't last...how will he handle it?).............ACK! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

No wonder I had trouble sleeping. And now, I must ply myself with tons of caffeine to endure the day ahead. It's okay, though. I'll live. I can sleep when I'm dead.

"I want to live where soul meets body and let the sun wrap its arms around me..."

Regrets, I've had a few

re - gret 
–verb (used with object) 1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
–noun 3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

Today I was wondering if there was another word for regret. As in, is there a word that describes wishing maybe you could undo something but you don't necessarily regret that something? Sound confusing and a little vague? Yeah, probably.

After reading the definition of regret, I see that in fact what I feel is regret, so the word I'm looking for is in fact regret. No way around it. Great.

Here's the deal. I met a guy online, we met in person a couple of times, we seemed to click, and the discussions -- via text, email, and phone calls -- almost always resorted to sex. (It's always sex with some men but I'll save that to ponder another time.) Ok, so I asked him if he would wait because really, I wanted to wait. I've had countless (yes, I'm not ashamed...well, maybe a little) meaningless sexual relationships in my life and frankly, I'm tired of it. I often feel as if once I give it up, they either lose respect for me or simply the conquest has been done so they're on to the next. Which isn't fair or right but it is what it is and I know this...so I'm always reluctant to go there when my past has shown me it rarely works once you cross that line. But what made me break my resolve? HORMONES for ones. A girl has needs just like anyone else. And then also the intimacy factor. I crave being intimate with someone, really connecting on a level I only have ever read about or seen in movies...or only felt once or twice in my life. But sex does not equate to intimacy. Never has, never will. I've experienced this many times. Many, many times. Have I learned anything? Nope.

Ultimately, I think after some careful and obsessive play by play review of my actions (read "over analysis" which I'm fantastic at), I was just feeling desperate to feel something. And there, my friends, is the real issue and anyone paying attention (hello? Moi?) can see that. I just wanted that connection and somehow my brain (and body) tell me that possibly there's a way to get it. It's not right I guess, but well, it is what it is.

So after all this agonzing, has he called?

Yes.

Thank GOD.