Regrets, I've had a few

re - gret 
–verb (used with object) 1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
–noun 3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

Today I was wondering if there was another word for regret. As in, is there a word that describes wishing maybe you could undo something but you don't necessarily regret that something? Sound confusing and a little vague? Yeah, probably.

After reading the definition of regret, I see that in fact what I feel is regret, so the word I'm looking for is in fact regret. No way around it. Great.

Here's the deal. I met a guy online, we met in person a couple of times, we seemed to click, and the discussions -- via text, email, and phone calls -- almost always resorted to sex. (It's always sex with some men but I'll save that to ponder another time.) Ok, so I asked him if he would wait because really, I wanted to wait. I've had countless (yes, I'm not ashamed...well, maybe a little) meaningless sexual relationships in my life and frankly, I'm tired of it. I often feel as if once I give it up, they either lose respect for me or simply the conquest has been done so they're on to the next. Which isn't fair or right but it is what it is and I know this...so I'm always reluctant to go there when my past has shown me it rarely works once you cross that line. But what made me break my resolve? HORMONES for ones. A girl has needs just like anyone else. And then also the intimacy factor. I crave being intimate with someone, really connecting on a level I only have ever read about or seen in movies...or only felt once or twice in my life. But sex does not equate to intimacy. Never has, never will. I've experienced this many times. Many, many times. Have I learned anything? Nope.

Ultimately, I think after some careful and obsessive play by play review of my actions (read "over analysis" which I'm fantastic at), I was just feeling desperate to feel something. And there, my friends, is the real issue and anyone paying attention (hello? Moi?) can see that. I just wanted that connection and somehow my brain (and body) tell me that possibly there's a way to get it. It's not right I guess, but well, it is what it is.

So after all this agonzing, has he called?

Yes.

Thank GOD.