Did I mention insecurity?

I heard a Radiohead song today called House of Cards. I want to share lyrics that resonated with me before I wax poetic about the injustices in my life. Well, today is an "injustice, I feel sorry for myself" kind of day. It just is.

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine


So, I don't know why I do this to myself but I muse...ok obsess...about things going on in my life that I don't understand and have little control over, such as work situations, conflicts with friends, and other issues in my personal life, like men. I don't know that I'm terribly different from most people, though I can take it way over the top. I wonder if that has to do with the fact that I've been going to some form of talk therapy for about 20 years and I've gotten good at analysis. Wow, has it been that long? Damn, I'm getting old.

Anyway...

I'm used to thinking and analyzing about things because I've been doing it for so long. Sometimes I can take it to the unhealthy point where I can't sleep, I can't eat (never thought I'd get there), I can't even think clearly. I hate not knowing what something means, why people are so complicated, why I'm so complicated. I think on some level I push some of the people I care for away because this sometimes comes across as neediness and insecurity. I guess it's because I can be needy. I can be insecure. Not all the time, but some of the time especially after being vulnerable with someone.

I had another restless night where sleep just didn't want to come. I wanted it to come...I wanted to escape into my dreams or better yet, a sea of nothingness and emptiness and then just wake up to endure the next day. Instead, I tossed and turned and ended up writing a letter I'll never send where I pretty much just laid it on the line. The gist...I need to be choosier when it comes to the people I am vulnerable with (again, always the same lesson...why can't I learn?). And no matter how much I want to, I will not make contact today. If you tell someone that in your experience having sex with someone too soon ruins the relationship, and that you just want more than that, and they push you to talk about it as if they're really interested, and they talk a good game as if they really care...and then you make the mistake of actually going there because well, you're human and you just want to be touched and experience pleasure...and then they stop communicating like before, are somewhat indifferent to texts (lame, one line responses) or don't even respond to emails when we had days and days and days of endless chatter? Well, it makes me think that maybe they just wanted to get me naked and hadn't really thought it through after that. "Mission accomplished! Maybe she's not for me. I need to think. I think I'll avoid her. Yeah, that'll work. She'll be fine."

Yes, I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I just die a little each time.