One day...some day

One day, some day, I won't be so confused about my life...right? I sure as hell hope so.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Yes, intoxicated and feeling sorry for myself. In bed thinking about what I could be doing differently with my life. Listening to Dwayne Dyer, some new agey old gray haired guy on PBS., just because I got tired of changing channels. The reality is I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing but I sure am awfully tired of not getting what I want and frankly deserve.

This guy is supposedly talking sense but I can't help but feel he's full of serious shit. I bet he's a pot smoker.

Ok so things kinda suck in my life today but I try as I can to remain hopeful that everything will work out in the long run as it should. As long as I do what I should anyway. I seriously have doubts though. I hate that I do, but I do.

"You have to affirm it," he says. Dwyer, I affirm this. You smoke a lot of dope or take prozac. Wait. That's me. Minus the prozac.

Some Days...

...are better than others. Today is one of those "in between" days. I feel better about some things, and less sure about some things. I think that's how it goes.

To the man in my life, you pretty much know NOTHING about me or CARE or you'd engage me. It has nothing to do with age...or perhaps it has everything to do with it. I will refrain from judgment in my particular stage of life. I will deal with you later.

To my mother, I feel for you. I really do But I have no capacity at this moment to process it all. Enough said.
D

Universe, please respond

I'm ready to meet someone with real potential, different than the typical guys I meet. Preferably employed, active, fun, liberal-minded, over all exes, and really available to seeing where things go. Can you make it happen, Universe? Hope so. Thanks in advance!

It's been a long time

I don't know why I stopped writing here. I need to resume this. So, this is feeble attempt at getting back into the game.

Let's see...what's on my mind.

I don't want to go to work. It's not because I don't like my job because I do most of the time. no, it's more that I'm lazy and would rather do what I want all day, every day. Oh, if money were no object! I think the reality is that I like money and things and well...gotta work for the money, honey. So far, my rich millionaire husband is currently hiding from me, the bastard, so it's off to work I go!

I need to find a new man. Or I need to not care about finding a new man. Or the man in my life needs to find a new woman. Yeah, good luck with that, G.

I need to get back to exercising regularly. It's so easy to get out of that habit especially if one lets the social life get out of hand.

I need to get my ass to work.

I've had a lot going on the past couple of weeks. I'm finally feeling like I have some time to breathe and I'm gulping in the air, that's for sure. This will not be a rehash of all of that. I am ready to move forward.

I just finished giving my place the deep clean because I notice that the dust and the cathairbunnies accumulate rather frequently now that I've installed this wood floor. I love it so much more I can't even explain how much better I feel in my home. This is supposed to be my retreat after all. I really am fortunate to have the things that I have.

I must mention at this point that I'm sitting here enjoying a Myers and Coke Zero with Lime. Cuba Libre, baby! I only mention this because my mind will be rambling. I just decided to turn on the Cuban Rhapsody station. Love it!

In addition to becoming a neater/tidier person, I notice that cleaning is therapeutic. If I don't feel like exercising on the weekends, I give myself an out -- I can skip it but only if I clean the apartment. And this isn't the quick wipe down and sweep I'm taking about here, no we're talking sweeping, mopping and dusting, plus defurring sofas and doing something extra. Sometimes it's wash the shower liner, others (like today) it's clean a blind and wash that window. Believe me, that takes about 30 minutes and it's so boring but wow, that window looks great. The therapeutic part is that I'm not feeling guilty about avoiding the chores and while I'm doing all of that I have a lot of time to think.

I just took a break to make dinner. And it's what I would have made if no one was coming over because I also like experimenting in the kitchen while listening to Cuban music. Today is a day off and I have one more (thank you veterans) so I feel pretty chill. Despite the fact that I'm shortening my life because I'm smoking some cigarettes and I'm over 35 and on the pill. My risk for heart attack increases and yet I do it anyway. Ugh.

G is supposed to come over but I'm guessing that's not going to happen. It may but he still hasn't called and it's 6pm. I'm really not feeling like being someone's booty call so I think I'm going to say I'm tired and am okay just chilling here, watching a movie, and going to bed at my usual time. I think I'll swim for an hour in the morning before the pool gets taken over by kids and parties. That is the healthiest thing to do (cigarettes aside). And if I sleep in, then a walk/run or bike ride could be in the picture, too.

Back to G...what irritates me is that he's being distant. If he's not feeling it anymore then just fucking tell me already. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. He's not all that anyway, really. I'm just lonely sometimes and he was filling a void. All that big talk about wanting to be friends despite what happens and he's acting distant. I hate it. Don't lie to me. I'm okay with most things but I just hate not being in the know about something like that. You either want to hang out or not. It's not rocket science. If you don't feel like hanging out any more then man up instead of saying you'll do something and then not follow through as if you're letting me down easier. The only person you're letting off the hook is you and that makes me even more sure that you're a jerk and I was again wasting my precious time on someone who doesn't deserve it. Again. Of course, now that I think about it, whether I was wasting it is debatable. I did get out of what I was hoping for. I'd just hoped it would last a little longer. Oh well. Now that I'm really dealing with past issues, it's probably best I be on my own for a while longer and figure out what it is I really want. And get to the point where I feel content all the time like I feel now. No, seriously. I am content. I have a lot of good going on here and I am fine just as I am, with or without a partner.

By the way, my dinner is going to be fabulous all because I had the smarts to make some great combinations with leftover chicken and ground turkey. I eat so much better when I'm down with poultry.

Back to Reality

I have to go back to work today after having six days off from reality (six if you include the weekend) and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is glad to return to my routine because when my life isn't more scheduled, I tend to get away from a better diet and my exercise regimen. Part of me is not glad because I wish I could do what I want when I want. I suppose most people feel that way after vacation unless they're the sort who are super passionate about their work. Me? Not so much. Sure, it's not a terrible job. In fact, I'm more content in this job than I've been in years. YEARS. But it's still work and I'd rather play.

Reality. If you believe the crap they show on "Reality TV" then my reality is kinda boring in comparison. I am not competing with others to lose outrageous amounts of weight and feel like crap when I lose only 7 pounds in a week, or to cook the best meal of my life ever day, even several times a day, within a 30-day period or whatever it is. I'm not trying to get from Istanbul to Poughkeepsie in 24 hours with $10 dollars, a plane ticket, and a packet of sugar, nor am I stuck on some island trying not to eat my fellow contestants because I'm starving to death because I want to win a million dollars (pre-tax of course). But then there are other realities shown on TV that not everyone seems to be paying attention to...people out of work and forced to live in their cars (or shelters or with relatives), people killing each other over the stupidest things, senseless wars, extreme poverty, AIDS, countries divided politically, religiously, and racially, and on and on. Just yesterday while on my plane ready to head home from a really nice getaway, I noticed on the TV in front of me a gorgeous black and white photo of a couple and their two children and I just got a sinking feeling in my stomach as I read the scrolling details below the photo. How does a man kill his family with his bare hands and how do we ever comprehend it, really?

Shit, and I'm complaining about work, a few extra pounds, or feeling irritated because the guy in my life, who I know isn't right for me, is acting strange? Pahlease. Let me get my ass up and out of here.

Peace.