I've had a lot going on the past couple of weeks. I'm finally feeling like I have some time to breathe and I'm gulping in the air, that's for sure. This will not be a rehash of all of that. I am ready to move forward.

I just finished giving my place the deep clean because I notice that the dust and the cathairbunnies accumulate rather frequently now that I've installed this wood floor. I love it so much more I can't even explain how much better I feel in my home. This is supposed to be my retreat after all. I really am fortunate to have the things that I have.

I must mention at this point that I'm sitting here enjoying a Myers and Coke Zero with Lime. Cuba Libre, baby! I only mention this because my mind will be rambling. I just decided to turn on the Cuban Rhapsody station. Love it!

In addition to becoming a neater/tidier person, I notice that cleaning is therapeutic. If I don't feel like exercising on the weekends, I give myself an out -- I can skip it but only if I clean the apartment. And this isn't the quick wipe down and sweep I'm taking about here, no we're talking sweeping, mopping and dusting, plus defurring sofas and doing something extra. Sometimes it's wash the shower liner, others (like today) it's clean a blind and wash that window. Believe me, that takes about 30 minutes and it's so boring but wow, that window looks great. The therapeutic part is that I'm not feeling guilty about avoiding the chores and while I'm doing all of that I have a lot of time to think.

I just took a break to make dinner. And it's what I would have made if no one was coming over because I also like experimenting in the kitchen while listening to Cuban music. Today is a day off and I have one more (thank you veterans) so I feel pretty chill. Despite the fact that I'm shortening my life because I'm smoking some cigarettes and I'm over 35 and on the pill. My risk for heart attack increases and yet I do it anyway. Ugh.

G is supposed to come over but I'm guessing that's not going to happen. It may but he still hasn't called and it's 6pm. I'm really not feeling like being someone's booty call so I think I'm going to say I'm tired and am okay just chilling here, watching a movie, and going to bed at my usual time. I think I'll swim for an hour in the morning before the pool gets taken over by kids and parties. That is the healthiest thing to do (cigarettes aside). And if I sleep in, then a walk/run or bike ride could be in the picture, too.

Back to G...what irritates me is that he's being distant. If he's not feeling it anymore then just fucking tell me already. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. He's not all that anyway, really. I'm just lonely sometimes and he was filling a void. All that big talk about wanting to be friends despite what happens and he's acting distant. I hate it. Don't lie to me. I'm okay with most things but I just hate not being in the know about something like that. You either want to hang out or not. It's not rocket science. If you don't feel like hanging out any more then man up instead of saying you'll do something and then not follow through as if you're letting me down easier. The only person you're letting off the hook is you and that makes me even more sure that you're a jerk and I was again wasting my precious time on someone who doesn't deserve it. Again. Of course, now that I think about it, whether I was wasting it is debatable. I did get out of what I was hoping for. I'd just hoped it would last a little longer. Oh well. Now that I'm really dealing with past issues, it's probably best I be on my own for a while longer and figure out what it is I really want. And get to the point where I feel content all the time like I feel now. No, seriously. I am content. I have a lot of good going on here and I am fine just as I am, with or without a partner.

By the way, my dinner is going to be fabulous all because I had the smarts to make some great combinations with leftover chicken and ground turkey. I eat so much better when I'm down with poultry.