Good in theory

Friends with benefits. Yes, the very thing I said I didn't want I agreed to. It sounded good in theory. I mean, I don't really think he's (let's call him G) right for me and I believe that. Don't I? I guess the truth is I don't know who is right for me when I'm in the throws of passion. The reality is I like sex and the prospect of having it regularly seemed appealing so when he asked if I could be friends and lovers with no other expectations it seemed, after some reflection, an acceptable proposal.

But what's good in theory isn't always good in reality, no matter how much one loves sex and craves intimacy. The two are not mutually exclusive. I want to believe it and sometimes it feels like it even if it's for just a moment in time but nope, not the same.

So I was talking to a male friend last night about how things were going. The weird thing happening now is that G's first ex wife, the woman he married at 19 and divorced 10 years later is visiting until Tuesday. She got here Thursday and it's Saturday evening as I write this so I have a few more days of minimal contact to endure. (I must confess that thanks to the marvel of cell phones with email access, I'm sitting in a bar composing this blog from a bar stool and once I'm finished, I'll email my post to my blog. How cool is that?) So anyway, his ex is staying with him and the reality is I'm jealous. I'm not supposed to be jealous, right? But I am and it's driving me crazy. I've told myself that he was married to her for 10 years and its been over 15 years and another wife (ex after 3 years) since then and hopefully he'll remember why it was he divorced her in the first place but well, I'm still slightly unsettled about it all. And then there's the reality that he was with this woman 10 years to my one month. She trumps me.

Said male friend listened patiently, bless his heart, and finally said, "But you agreed to the friends with benefits arrangement so just let him be and relax. It'll be fine, she'll be gone soon, and if you're cool you'll be getting what you need."

Sounds good in theory but why am I still struggling with the jealousy? Sigh. Why do I get myself in these situations?

I'll have another scotch and beer and mull that over. Maybe the answer will come to me. Or I won't care.